Birthdays - I'm 33 Today!

Whew! What a week it has been. And a great one at that! Ya just never know with me...am I going to have a good day, sad day, crazy day, mad day, excited day, blah day... I must be a little over the top and dramatic - but I suppose that is me.

Today is my birthday. Yep, I'm 33! I've always wanted to be just 33. It is the age that Jesus was when he died on that cross (but He is alive and well in heaven today and watching over you and me). I am looking forward to this year. I'm praying that it will be a great year for me. A few people have already expressed to me that 33 was a tough year for them - but I'm praying that my 31 and 32 year was tough enough and God will have total mercy on me this year! I was always hopeful that being 33 as Jesus was at His last days on earth would really be something that would be very unique and just give me some sense of excitement or joy inside. I'm not sure why, don't ask...

In the past it seems my birthday always gets mixed up with the Thanksgiving holiday. I don't mind too much or maybe I secretly do somewhere way deep inside. My friend is about to have her baby and is due December 24th. How does a parent be sure and separate a special day for their child as well as putting into place an even bigger celebration for Jesus?!

When I was growing up, about at age 5 or 6, I remember my dad decided that he wanted to no longer celebrate birthdays along with several other holidays (Christmas, Halloween, Valentines day...) saying that according to his new found religion that we shouldn't celebrate our own birthday. Therefore, I didn't really get to celebrate my birthday with my family at home nor my siblings birthdays. I never really understood that one. My dad would, however, always remember to at least say, "Happy Birthday, honey."

One might think that my not recieving gifts and all the attention would be something that I would most miss and feel left out about. I don't think that was what I missed the most. I think what I had the hardest time with was answering questions from friends or teachers when they would ask how my birthday celebration went or what I might have recieved for my birthday. It was very embarrassing and so embarrassing in fact that I think I actually remember once telling a lie and saying that I had recieved a new watch. I never went into a lot of detail with the lie. On this particular birthday, I remember that I just said I got a watch sort of under my breath. I could have added some detailed information detailing all that I had wished it was as I had imagined it very vividly back then and I know today still what it looked like. It was light blue with silver numbering. It had a light that I could press to see the time in the dark. It showed the date too. I never felt the need to go into much of a description as I just wanted to say something that would suffice the questioning person and get them to move on to another subject. I'm not sure why people never asked to see the gifts I had recieved. I would have been even more mortified if they had. My lie was a temporary fix to what I felt was a very embarrassing problem. To this day I still feel bad about lying about that sort of thing. It is not part of my character to lie. The guilt eats me alive.

For the most part though, birthdays were kind of sad for me becaues usually no one really knew it was my birthday. There were occasions where a teacher recognized it in her records and tried to do something for me in the classroom. If she did I had to be careful though. If my dad found out that I had ever celebrated a holiday or birthday without him knowing I would have been very much in trouble.

Today, I had a good birthday though. I really did. Thanks to Facebook, everyone seemed to know it was my birthday. My dad still called to tell me happy birthday today. I think secretly he wanted to celebrate holidays but just didn't have the money and had a hard time dealing with that. My mother came in town and took me to dinner with my family today. I had my favorite, Sushi! My birthday ended up seeming like a birthday weekend. My children remembered to give me cards and I even got some gifts! For real - I'm not lying this time!! My sweet daughter bought me a new book from the Karen Kingsbury series that I am reading - I can't wait to start reading it. My friends brought me a several nice gifts, a journal, a really nice picture album, some decorative note paper (they know I love to write), a lighthouse cookie jar and a lighthouse calendar. My mom brought me a bracelet and gave me some cash - that is always nice. My father-in-law even sent me something this year - a computer picture frame where I can download my pics and show them all off. I'm excited about that one. My mother-in-law is looking forward to a special lunch time with me in the coming days. I'm looking forward to it too; I pray that it will be just a time for us girls to get out and chat and just get back what we seem to have been missing out on. My step-dad called to tell me happy birthday too... I am so thankful for my friends and family.

And then, there's my hubby. Daron has been perfect this weekend. So far as I know!! He has been especially pampering me today and has spent so much time with me over the Thanksgiving and my birthday weekend. We have had such a great time this weekend. I just don't want it to be over. Daron got me a card and we went shopping and I picked out an ISO pillow. It is a fancy pillow that supposedly stays cool and helps ya sleep better. I've slept on it for two nights and so far, I love it! Daron also sent me a very colorful and cute flower arrangement to my work. He's been helping around the house alot and really just being a wonderful husband for me. So on my birthday and this Thanksgiving - I am thankful for my husband. I am truly very thankful that God has lifted my marriage up and seems to be completing in it what He started. God will always finish what He starts!

Having a Tough Time Getting to Bed

Who needs sleep anyways? Arghhh! I do. It is clearly past my bedtime and here I sit glued to my laptop. I just finished uploading pictures from several different events from my camera. I don't feel real tired, but I do feel real tired. I don't know how to explain that one. It is like my body will not let me go to bed and rest. Maybe if I just made it, it would fall asleep.

I've got so much in my head racing around that I'd like to accomplish. If I stayed awake I would accomplish so much more of it. It isn't really things that have to be done, just things that I'd like to have done. My head has been hurting during the daytime some and seems to be hurting a little now. Perhaps I need sleep. Hush now little brain of mine....rest....

I know that the Lord would want me to sleep. I am eager for a dream tonight Lord. May I ask for a special dream tonight with a simple message from you? I love it when God does that. That is, speaks to me through dreams. Okay, off to bed now...

Love Others

God showed me even more this weekend that His people need to know that they are loved. Is it me these days and my insecurity and feelings of not being sure that I am loved that is telling me this? I don't know. Please don't misunderstand me; I know that I am loved because I know God's truth, but I don't "feel" loved or loveable or lovely sometimes.

What God showed me so clearly this weekend about love was just absolutely so clear. Things happened this weekend that allowed me to feel loved and I believe allowed me to express Gods love. (...just what I've been praying for!...) There are reasons I can't be more specific - I must be careful not to share everything (as I so often do). These lovely things are between me and Him. They are so unique and special. His love for me has gotten me so on fire to find unique ways to show His kind of love to others.

God you are simply amazing! And I love you!

Thanksgiving with Refugees

Yesterday was an awesome day for me. I have not had very many opportunities where I could jump in and serve those who might fit the category of the world's standards as "needy". I don't know exactly what that means I don't think. I have needed food in my life before. But have I "needed" food? I've needed more clothes before - pants too tight, shirts too short showing my belly, even beter - cuter shirt in the store than in my closet... But, have I ever truly "needed" clothes?

Yesterday the needy brought their food to share with me - and the rest of my church family. How crazy is that?! The refugees, the employees at Catholic Charities and The Volunteers at Nations Memphis (my church) got together to have a meal of Thanksgiving. The neat and weird thing to me was that the dinner was a pot luck. Actully there were two schedules meals, one at lunch and one at dinner. Each refugee family brought a dish to share that would represent their country or their culture. We, Nations Memphis, were more responsible for sharing with our new friends our American Thanksgiving foods.

Among our traditional Turkey, sweet potato casseroe, green bean casserole, cranberry sauce, corn bread dressing, sweet potato, chess and pecan pies were all sorts of strange foods. I will not attempt to name the different foods that I ate I must describe some of them...(bare with me)...

• Something the Size of two rice crispies put together long ways with the same appearance and texture as a rice crispie - from India. Caution - at first taste it tastes bland and airy just like a rice crispie. One might think it is too plain and not worth the effort of eating the small little things, however, after about 10-15 seconds of it entering into the esophagus some sort of firey spicey thing happens in the back of your throat!
• Sweet Brown Crisp - Looks like brown playdough with the same texture but with something sandy feeling inside of it - Again from India. Taste like something I've never had - maybe thick tofu with granulated sugar in it.
• Crayola Green Dill Rice - Long Grain White Rice Loaded with a 2 pound bag of dill. Taste like eating a spoon full of wet and lumpy dill seasoning - probably from Iran (Sorry Fatimeh, not my favorite.)
• Boiled Egg Cradled in Spicey Hamburger Meat - Iraq maybe. Some sort of creative way of eating boiled eggs. I still can't figure out how they so perfectly wrapped the hamburger meat around the boiled eggs.
• Tofu w/ Steamed Vegies - What?! I thought that was chicken. It did seem spongy now thinking about it. I think from Afghanistan.
• Fancy Bland Sugar Cookies - Amazing little spritz sugar cookies. I mean seriously who can possibly make such orgami looking shapes and artistic flowerletts with cookie dough? It must have taken 5 hours per little cookie - Bhutan. Taste like a crunchy cookie with very little to no sugar.
• Fried Square Stuffed Pastry, Not sure what meat was in the things or what sorts of vegie mix. Expected something like a Chinese Fried Pastry but it tasted like a non-American meat mixture, possibly something we might more commonly have as our pet - some sort of Asian dish. (Then what do I know, the Indianesian gals wouldn't eat our Turkey because they don't eat Turkey there and they think we are weird.)
• Green Leafy Dumpling - Not sure what it was. The outside what sort of dumplingish. Sort of looked like the outside was cabbage but I'm not sure where they get dark greenish brown slimy cabbage leaves. Not sure and didn't try it. It was with all the Kosher foods. Maybe from Israel, not sure.

That is all I can think of for now about the foods. The experience was actually really neat. I enjoyed getting to see and tastes all the different foods from the different cultures. I enjoyed even more getting to talk to so many of the refugees. We danced, sang and laughed a lot. Well, I didn't dance or sing, but some of them did. It was really neat to introduce my whole family to the refugee families who have become part of my life recently. I am happy that I am part of a church that has connected with the refugees in this way; it has been such a neat experience for me.

A Moment with Dad

Even as an adult, sometimes I just want to have a daddy/daughter moment. These moments have often been accomplished while sitting at the lunch table for me, but I suppose they can happen anywhere and anytime. I'm talking about the kind of tender moment when I get to share my heart with dad and he opens up and shares his opinion and his heart with me. Sometimes there are tears and sometimes there is laughter. But most if all it is a time where we can express to one another that we each value and love oen other. It's during these moments when dad usually offers a kind of reassurance that a daughter can only get from her father. These kinds of moments are tender and memorable. They can even somehow provide security. The moments are moments that I cling to and always cherish.

The moments with dad fulfill a longing to have conversations with someone who will not think you are weird for thinking outside the box, but will encourage you to do so. These kinds of talks with dad can somehow fulfill a hole in a daughter's heart that wants to just be heard, accepted and loved, but also challenged. It is a kind of moment that calls for a dads kind of sincerity and attention. It is a moment that says, "I love you, dad and thanks for loving me!"

Since my Daddy Tim moved, unfortunately my daddy/daughter moments have been spread apart by much more time. I've missed our time. Today, I finally got one of these special moments with dad. My Daddy Tim, as I still like to call him, took me to lunch today! Just as it has always been before, the time with dad was very special.

While I am so happy to have moments with my earthly dad, I know that I have a father in heaven that desires to have such tender moments with me as well. I know that He will be there for me when Daddy Tim can not. But thank you Lord, for reminding me that Daddy Tim does remember me. Lord, you knew I needed to have that time today with him. Thank you for making a way.

Spiritual Snob

There is no reason for a person who claims to be Christian to respond to the world in ways that would indicate that they feel "better" than those who might not be following after the Lord. I'm not sure that is the way that I want to word what I'm trying to express, but there has been a message circling in my head that I have been trying to understand better. While, I do not think that I am better than others or have something over another person, I do feel like there is something that I have that is amazing - and that is the Lord. I want other's to know that my hope comes from the Lord. I want even more to live my life in a manner that would express love and not judgement on others. I want others to know that the Lord truly loves them.

In saying this, it has come to my attention that it is possible that I might appear to be somewhat of a "spiritual snob" to others. I wouldn't have thought that I would fit the characteristics of what I feel like could be perceived as "snobbish" in the Lord, but perhaps I do. I want to ask for forgiveness to my friends, family and aquaintences if I ever seem like a spiritual snob. Please be assured that it isn't my heart at all. I believe the Lord has been trying to show me something, but it is hard for me to express with words. Actually, I would have thought there'd be no reason for the Lord to feel He needed to show me something such as this, but apparently my christian attitude is teatering a little lopsided. I must admit that this thought snook up on me but as it did I grabbed hold of the message, carefully anylized it and now I'm going to press forward in my life to be ever so careful not to seem like a "spiritual snob".

There are certainly many Christians who love the Lord and are able to balance their walk with the Lord and their love for all of His people in this world as He commands Christians to do. For me, while I love His people, I might shamefully admit that my attitude can become a bit harsh and hard towards those people who do not understand the ways of the Lord the way I feel is correct or those people who live their lives aside from the Lord. Without even noticing, I believe I may carry myself with an attitude that appears to be "above" the rest. It is NOT my heart to express myself in this manner, but my way of trying to express my elated heart towards the Lord. My love for my savior, JESUS, the one and only who has brought me out of many dark pits in my life and into a whole new everlasting hope filled life, has caused me to put on a tough shell. I, therefore, am able to somewhat shelter myself from the world trying only to allow inside of myself what I beleive is pure, perfect and right. This doesn't mean that I am always right. It does not mean that I am perfect, to say the least. Boy do I and have I ever stumbled, even under the name of the Lord!

While I feel like I've always been so careful to not push other people away from me because of my relationship with Christ - somehow maybe I still have. The Lord loves ALL people. It is my job to love His people. It is not my job to look stearnly on another person becaues I believe they are "doing it all wrong". My heart aches inside today feeling that somehow I may have been perceived as a "spritual snob". Lord, I pray that I would be the shining light for others into your prescence and not a stumbling block. Help me to show love and acceptance to all of your people no matter where they may be in their journey with you.

Let Me Love You

In my previous blog, I wrote some hurtful things regarding family. That is what you do when you write. And for me, it is natural to express myself through writing. Thank goodness I have a family that knows me for me and accepts me for me. My parents know I struggle and while I wanted to tell them that they hurt me and my children not connecting with us, I don't really want to hurt them and I am sorry if I did cause hearts to be tender. Sometimes it is okay for hearts to be tender though. God works in that.

I have been struggling to find some answers regarding my family. After reading my previous blog over and recieving a quick response from my mom, I must express how awesome is He who finds a way to send a message from mother to child so quickly. Thank you mom for being quick to respond and wow, you read the blog! The message was, "Now you take that back! I do love you and I'm trying hard to connect with you, but you have to let me love you and you have to help me find ways to have time with you too." I hear you mom!

And there the message is again. Now it is out for all to see. "Let me love you!!!!" It is purely a God thing. It is funny how that very same sort of message has been given to me in so many different ways in the past year. I've even taken that very same simple message that God gave my husband to scream over me in a heated argument but moment of passion and love (all at the same time) out to friends that were also hurting to feel loved. I do believe that it was a message meant especially for me and for Daron to deliver to me. It was especially meant for me to understand it as both a cry from Daron's heart and from the very heart of God. So, I have to let Daron love me? I have to let God love me? And today, I have to let my mother love me. Could I truly be fighting away my mother's love? Surely not. Could I?

The definition of love in my family growing up (my mom and I didn't get to be together until I was about 15 - I lived with my dad and step-mom) was not the kind of 1 Cor. 13 love that scripture talks about. So finding a way in my heart to let someone love me and not hurt me has not been easy. Am I finding ways to not allow myself to be loved by others? My goodness, I think I am. (Light bulb moment!) I'm actually afraid that if I allow myself to feel loved then I'm vulnerable and quite possibly will get hurt in the end. So I ask, mom, are you letting me love you?

I'm not letting people love me. Thinking on this one some more...let others love me. Hmmm. How exactly do I do that?

Mom, Dad? Please hear me out...

Just when you think you know all there is to know about your family, you learn more. As I mentioned in my previous blog, I recently connected with my cousin after about 23 years of being disconnected due to my father's running away from wanting to face his family. Somehow, the hurt goes far beyond one self as the father in this case but has extended over to the rest of our family - especially the children, that's me. My mind can't quite wrap itself around what exactly happened back then when my dad decided to live his life so separated from those very people that loved him.

Something I do know is that God has been shaping me to speak boldly to a few people in my life. The strange thing is, most of these people are my parents. Is it possible that a child could say the right thing with total love in their heart, after much, much prayer and tears to change their parent's way of thinking and living so that it repairs and restores their parents emotional and spiritual health? Is it possible that a parent would actually listen to there child's cry? Would a grandparent listen to their grandchild's cry?

I'm not afraid for my parents to read my blog as they don't read it anyhow. My dad doesn't have access nor is he very savy with the internet since he has been stuck in a world of selfishness and alcohol for about 40+ years of his life now. He is literally drinking himself to death and with vingence and bitterness all the way.

My mother has been given the site, but I don't think she really is interested in reading as she never looks at it. She is too busy with work and such. I wish she did, but everyone is different and I am sort of okay with that. Boy am I already stepping on toes! May it be seen as bold under Christ and in complete love.

Daron's father...he doesn't keep up with it, I'm sure. He seems to be trying to finally get to know Daron and his grandchildren now that it has been about 11 years and the kids are not as young anymore. I am keeping him in my prayers, but I'm sad that he has missed out.

Daron's mother....well, I know she enjoys reading my blogs, I've always thought that was neat. The strange thing is, is that she too struggles to connect with our family. Since I know that she reads my blogs, I will be extra careful but I still want to be bold; you are losing time here to be all that God has intended for you to be. Life is not about you. It isn't about me either. I pray you'll hear my cry out to you. Your son needs you in his life. Your grandchildren need you and have not had your attention for years and years and years. Stop wasting your life away searching for a fairy tale. In time God may or may not bring you what you are requesting and I believe He has His own reasons that are perfect and right. I want more than ever for you to feel complete in this world, but you've got to not fall into such a pit that draws attention away from your Lord and all that He has done for you towards you in a way that is distructive for you. For real though, hello..."You must be faithful and careful with the ones He has given you!"

First things first, I truly believe that our parent's hurt because they do not truly know the Lord! That doesn't mean that they may not have chosen the Lord but they haven't taken the time to really get to know His character in their life. In my opinion, our parent's can't tangibly understand the Lord and how much He truly loves them. They don't know about Psalm 139 where it says that He knitted them in their mother's womb and Jeremiah 29, I believe, where it says that the Lord has a plan for their lives, plans to not harm them - plans for peace. But they must totally surrender unto the Lord. There is no person on this earth that will satisfy another person completely for that job is the Lord's. There are no "things", no amount of money on this earth that will make them have everlasting joy - other than choosing the Lord. There is no greater love than the love of Jesus. Where as people will dissapoint you, God will never leave nor forsake you.

My life has not been easy...it truly has not been easy. I've learned to hurt and forgive, hurt and forgive, hurt and forgive and forgive and to forgive and to love on... I will accept with maturity that some of my problems have occurred because of my own sin, my own tearing apart of my life. However, I WILL let it be known that the poor choices and selfish ways of my parents (all of them) has caused me and my entire family so much heart ache and an enormous amount of unecessary additional pain. Will you ever stop hurting us?

Please mom sand dads, stop chasing the world and the worlds ways. We've needed you all for so long to wake up and be the parents in Christ. We've been so desperate to connect with you as your children. We still need you now and cry out for you to reach out as we've been holding our hands out for years for you to "want" to get to know us and be around us.

Personally, I need you all and want you all in my life, but I WILL NOT allow the unrighteous ways of the world trample into my life nor my childrens. I'm trying so desperately to break the repetitive cycle of the divorce in our family; I want to break the cycle of addiction and of the selfish cold hearts that turn away from family. More than ever I want us to be united as one family - could it ever really happen?

I know my brother's and sister's want this too. My brother, Brian, has cried so many tears for so many years pleading for any parent to step into his life to fulfill the love in his heart that feels so void. My sister has wanted it so bad but seems to have just given up and gone on her own way ignoring the benefits of a healthy grandparent/parent relationship. My children, you're grandchildren are growing and growing and you, none of you are connecting with them as closely as I believe is right for them. You are all simply missing it all, caught up in your own self!

Daron and I have already grown and you've missed most of that. Now your grandchildren are growing up - Kaitlyn is about to drive; where have you been?! Getting you all to come over to "want" to be with your grandchildren is like pulling eye teeth. Our home isn't good enough for your to spend the night so you miss out on time with us by choosing to stay at hotels or other friends homes. You want to rush in and rush right back out the door when you do come typically with excuses that you've got to get your nails done or go walk the dogs. I don't understand why you have neglected them as much as you all have. What have they done to not deserve your love and attention? Do you each not feel loved enough that you have enough love to send back out their way? When you do this to them it is like you are rejecting Daron and I. I'll never understand you all and I will never be at peace with the neglect we've experienced.

Nevertheless, I do feel blessed these days to know that they know and have Jesus. Each one of them have accepted Christ and have expressed a desire t0 get to know Him more and follow after Him. So, I rest in my heart knowing that those days when they desire a relationship deeper with soemone such as a Grandparent then they can remember that they are not alone. They do have the Lord. We are fortunate that we've developed relationships with others who love the Lord and also love and value our children enough to take time for them. I thank God for these friends in our life. The kids are growing and they can see right through the realness and sincerity of your love for them. They are busier and busier as they grow older and much harder to pin down and let them know that you care and love them. I would imagine Grandparents who beg to spend time with their grandchildren. To have them all together sometimes or to have them one on one just to get to know them. I'd imagine a Grandparent that is stable in the Lord enough that they could actually encourage them in the Lord rather than disconnect them from the Lord. I would imagine a grandparent that truly values their time with them and I just don't see that from any of you.

While you have each tried on occasion to connect with the kids, you must know that your attempts seem short-lived. I'll also admit that as you are getting older, it seems your hearts are getting softer and more interested in some ways in the things in our hearts that are most concerning and matter the most. God is with you and trying to draw you near to him. We are also drawing nearer to Him. Meet us in the middle - with God. That is where we will all come together and we will come together for His name's sake.

Could you consider choosing God? For once could you choose something other than yourselves? I have been praying for you all - my prayers are feeling even more desperate these days... My time with you all is shortening I suppose. I must be obedient and let you know that God desires to have your love and did you know that He first loved you (remember, He made you). I don't understand how you can keep pushing us away and pulling yourselves in a direction that causes you even more pain. Surely you are old enough to choose ways in your life that will honor the Lord and bring peace in your own lives if not for yourselves for your own children and grandchildren. Do you not care to leave a legacy for generations to come? I'm tired of babying you all and trying not to step on your toes or hurt your feelings, but I will continue to if I must. :-) Sometimes we all need extra love.

While I truly do not want to hurt you; you've all simply got to "wake up". I'd hate for you to "wake up" when you are on your last few days and miss out even more. This life you live is not about you. It is about the Lord and bringing people to Him - growing the Kingdom, the heavenly kingdom. God wants you to be a part of your children's and grandchildren's lives in heaven forever and ever and ever! God wants you to show love to all people investing your lives in love to all people; especially to your family. I want this for us all too, but do you? Do you really?!

Thank You God for Hearing My Cry Through Prayers; Praise Be to God

God is answering my prayers. I won't write out what ALL of my prayers have been (they are between me and God), I can assure you that God has been hearing my cries and answering so many of my prayers. He has not answered them in ways that I would have expected or in the time frame that I wanted, but He has been so faithful to me and better to me than I could have ever thought He could be.

From the wee little things and requests to the bigger requests, He has shown up. My heart aches with joy inside to look back and watch just how God has worked in my life. While trials and hurts will still be a part of my life in the future, I praise God for bringing me through where He has brought me through up to today. I wouldn't want to go through some things again, but I wouldn't be the same person that I am today had I not gone through the various hurts and tough times that I went through in the past.

I've learned so much and can see even more how just when you think you know so much, you don't know it all and there is so much more you will learn. I'm so thankful for how God has worked and continues to work in my life. I'm learning to ask for help and to say, "no". I'm learning to follow after things that matter to His kingdom and to not get so caught up in the things that don't really matter. I'm learning to listen to Him more and to find my security in Him first. My joy comes from Him and while many may think I'm typically a free-spirited, hyper and energetic, fun person - with God I'm so much more of that and the joy and laughter lasts and lasts. My passion for His will in my life has only grown. I want more and more of God the more I experience Him in my life. Thank you and I love you Lord.

(Prayers Answered - Believe it or not, I have friends - people I know God sent my way of which I can truly trust, invest my whole heart and self with and grow under Him with; my husband - let's just say that He has brought us together possibly growing even deeper than I'd ever expect for us to be able to be at this time in our marriage - while I'm still so carful and cautious with my heart, I do feel that God is totally in control here; my children - blessed are they and how wonderful they are in Him - God is surely pulling them closer to Him in many unique ways; my church - God is so amazing and shows up in every way every time; my extended family - God is shining and evident in their lives and I can tell He is allowing me to be used to reach and love them; my work - God is there, He shows up clearly at least 2 or more times each work day; in the outside world - I'm learning more and more how God wants me to get outside my box and love on others as I love and seem to do so well with Him leading my way. Priase be to God!)

Misplaced Family Members; When Family Separates

Is my family the only family in the world that loses (as in misplaces) family members? The history of my family - I mean like the people on my end of the family tree just seem to separate themselves and get lost. Sometimes we wonder, "Well, I wonder what ever happened to cousin Adam?" In my case, I've lost many cousins along the way of my growing up. I must say, my father didn't do very well at making connections with his family over the years. I'm not sure if he made many of them mad so that they would run away and hide from him or if they just distanced themselves for whatever reason and then just were not seen very often anymore.

What makes a person want to separate themselves from their true family? Possibly it is the fact that they disagree with the way their family lives. Maybe there has been some sort of argument that has caused cold and angry hearts. It is all sad if you ask me. I remember way, way back as far as I can remember and I remember a couple of gatherings where ALL of the "family" would gather. My father and all three of his siblings and their children at my Grandma's house. My grandma had remarried so there were children from his side of the family with grandchildren too. I had so many cousins I can't even count them today. I remember my grandmother's little white house in Martin, TN being just packed full of family.

And then, one of my father's brother's killed himself (Dennis). He must have been in his 20's. Then my step grandfather's daughter's child (my 7 yr. old step cousin at the time, Bob) died - in front of my grandparents little white house; He got ran over by a big truck trying to cross the busy road (now a 4 lane highway) to see new baby puppies at a neighbors. Then my dad's sister's daughter died with Cystic Fibrosis, Rene, when she was about 9. And then another one of my father's brother's died (Larry) in his early 30's unexpectantly with Colon Cancer. Some years later, my father's mother, my beloved Grandmother died (I was only 17) and a couple of month's after that my Step Grandfather died. The family just fell apart. Well, I'd say my dad did for sure. Marriages fell apart and drinking alcohol became the norm for my dad. Why do some people turn to the Lord during these times and others pull away and fight even harder?

Anyhoo, on a happy note....through today's technology on Facebook...I've found my cousins! My dad's brother Larry had two children, Laura and Adam. I had not been in touch with them since their father, my uncle, Larry died with the Colon Cancer (that'd be about 23 years ago). Our families used to kind of hang out, but after my dad's brother died, we just didn't anymore. I remember some really fun moments with all the kids together and I remember lot's of laughter with Laura and Adam! I found Laura on Facebook who then connected me to Kristie Isbell, my cousin (Laura's brother) Adam's wife! Yay! I just pray that God will's for us to unite and just chat like grownup and just play catch up. It is very possible I may be able to finally get some answers to many family questions in my life.

More Thoughts on Love - Where is the love?

It has become apparent to me that there is so much hurt in this world because we are not "loving" the way God intended for us to do. I don't know if I can for sure go so far as to say that the problems that we have in this world are because there is not enough "love" going around, but I'm close to saying that and believing that. Sure there is sin and we all struggle with sinning. I believe we actually make light of sin too much in this world. However, is it possible that some sin is brought about because of a person's lack of feeling loved?

I could give examples upon examples about what I am thinking. I'm sure there could be many people in todays world that would stand up against my opinions on this, but I'm standing firm in my belief that there simply isn't enough people out there loving on other people. Consider the following situations and all parties involved - consider each person involved and how they might be a victim of not feeling proper and real "love" as according to 1 Cor. 13. Mothers and Father's have a warped sense of expressing love to their children. Many parents abuse and neglect their own children. Husbands and wives are caught up in domestic violence, adultry and every other sort of lifestyle that tears their marriage apart. Families are involved with all forms of abuse with other members of their own family. Neighbors are fighting and quarreling over petty things. Teens are invloved in gangs, street crime, drugs, teen-pregnancy, date rape and other sorts of violence. Children are killing children. Churches are dividing. Business are not standing up for what should be common appropriate and Godly moral issues in the workplace. Sexual immorality is everywhere in every form and has somehow become acceptable. Animals are being tortured and abused. There are robberies and all sorts of theft. The number of orphans and widows in the world seems to be on the rise. There are children and families dying because they are hungry. Unwanted babies are being killed. Where is the love?

I'm not talking about where is God's love, because God is love (1 John 4:16 - "And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him."). God loves us but recognizes that after our need to first love Him, we must love others. So, can I go so far to say, "are we living in God" because love these days seems to be lacking.

Who loves you? How do you know that you know that you know that they love you? How do you know? God loves you. Do you know that you know that you know that God loves you? Why?

On Love...

Love. It is a word we often allow to spill from our lips so carelessly. I've heard some say that love is an "action". I would agree, but love is so much more.

Jesus tells us that the most important commandment according to scripture is to love the Lord but He quickly jumps in to tell us the second most important commandment and that is to love others. (My pastor reminded us of this last Sunday - I wasn't there, but was having these thoughts about how important love is and my husband told me that my pastor had actually spoke on this very subject!)

I want to write about love. I want to write about it in a way some may not have ever thought about it. Before I write, I want to give my readers a chance to think about something. Who do you know loves you? Your first answer may or may not be the Lord. Yes, include the Lord in your list, but who else on this earth do you truly and genuinely feel loved by? Can you count these people; can you name them? If you need help, 1 Corinthians 13 tells us what love should look like.

"Spooning" has more than One Definition... (Our Mother/Daughter Trip)

Spooning - My definition used to be something like, An act typically between two people where one cuddles up behind the other, each on their side, in a way that mimics or mirrors the one in the front. This weekend on my Mother/Daughter trip to Lexington, KY, however, I learned several additional definitions for the term "spooning".

You must know that I collect silver souvenir spoons from the places that I visit. Since I had not ever collected one from Kentucky, I desperately wanted not to forget to pick up a Kentucky spoon while I was in the state of Kentucky. Most of the time my spoons are picked up from the different states and countries in airports. Airports seem to always have souvenir stores. Since we drove to Kentucky, we were not able to pick up the spoon from the airport this time. Therefore, searching for the spoon was very challenging. My daughter, her best friend Rebecca and Rebecca's mother Melanie and I termed this hunt for a spoon, "spooning". We stopped at several country gas stations, a drug store and a Cracker Barrel, but never found a spoon.

Typically the original definition of "spooning" (cuddling) is accomplished only when a person feels comfortable with another person. Before leaving on the Mother/Daughter trip, my daughter Kaitlyn and Rebecca wanted to know the sleeping arrangements since we were staying in a one room hotel with two double beds. The daughters wanted to sleep in a bed together and not with their moms! I didn't mind my daughter wanted to sleep next to her best friend, but (if I must be honest) at first, I was not sure I could feel comfortable sleeping in the same bed as Melanie. My friend or not, I just didn't know how my moods (I can be shy, unsure and weird sometimes) So, in a nice way, I told my daughter that I'd like to wait and see how everyone felt a little closer to the trip. I announced to all of the girls that one problem I felt I might have was the fact that with my husband in bed, I like to spoon and I didn't know if that'd be odd for Melanie! Of course I was joking - but it sort of broke the ice and the weirdness of me feeling unsure weather or not I could allow myself to sleep with someone I wasn't sure I knew very well. Am I making any sense at all?

Anyways, the drive down to Lexington was about 7 hours. As with any other event with a bunch of girls, all of us began to chat. It was apparent in our conversations that God had prepared the way. My daughter and Rebecca became closer, more comfortable with one another and goofy. Likewise, Melanie and I became closer, more comfortable with one another and just goofy. Once we arrived to the hotel we were so tired, but still chatted into the night. The moms had one bed and the daughter's had the other. The moms stayed awake whispering into the wee hours of the night while the daughters fell fast asleep.

Throughout the next morning and afternoon at the conference and through deep and sincere conversations into the night and wee hours of the morning all of us continued to just connect. Our conversations brought many, many tears as well as a lot of hearty laughter which caused belly aches. By the end of the trip, I had to confront Melanie and tell her that I was so happy that God had literally brought us together and that I could finally feel free to trust her with my hurts and my heart. Actually, what I admitted to her and the girls was, I felt that I would be safe "spooning" her now. My statement was silly and was so symbolic for us. As I simply wanted to express to her "thank you" and that I dearly, dearly love and adore her.

I thank the Lord, also, for bringing Melanie's daughter, Rebecca into my daughter's life. I learned so much admirable things about Rebecca. I connected with Rebecca in many ways. I have grown a deep fondness of this girl - I want to pray for her even more. She truly loves the Lord and she will find her own way of loving Him. She is a beautiful girl inside and out - she was wonderfully and fearfully crafted by the perfect creator who chose and loves her so much. And I'm learning to love her so much too.

And my daughter....Kaitlyn. Oh, my...I'm going to cry. I'm soooo proud of her. Her love for the Lord and desire to earnestly be obedient to His will for her life was apparent on this trip. She fights the worldly battle but fights it with honor and integrity. I pray for her boldness and for her to press on in the Lord. She is so much more beautiful than I had ever before thought - and I thought she was pretty beautiful and amazing before the trip. Words can not express my love for my daughter and how honored I am to be her mother. Her heart is so pure and full of love for others. I pray that she will never lose sight of the Holy Spirit within her - real love and compassion for others.

To sum it all up, the entire weekend was more of a confirmation trip. God was there, there is no doubt. I believe he ordaned this trip and that He knew exactly what Rebecca, Melanie, Kaitlyn and I needed. For so much time I've needed a break (I wanted to run away), I needed confirmation with my daughter, with some things in my marriage, with church concerns, with other areas in my life and with regards to how God wants me to respond. I've felt desperate to have some sort of confirmation that I was walking the walk God wanted me to walk. God confirmed with me so many things on this trip. He is awesome! I praise Him for this weekend and the special memorable moments. The trip was healing for me in so many ways. The term "spooning" will never mean the same thing to me again.

To Be Like a Child Again

I'm sitting in my room with my ipod connected to speakers and turned up pretty loud. Somehow I've found myself in my room alone. The kids and hubby are in the other rooms of the house doing - who knows what; but I've secretly taken some time for myself. It is hard to find time alone like this. While I don't enjoy being ALONE for several days at a time- I do actually enjoy quiet, down time alone occasionally. I think I enjoy it more as I get older.

Music somehow has a way of piercing into my soul instantaneously. When I was a younger girl I would turn up my radio in my room and stand on my bed and sing out my favorite songs. Like my writing, songs have a way of helping me to reach out from the inside of myself and speak to God. I pray through songs. Is that odd? If no one were home, I'd probably stand up on my bed or jump around my bedroom floor and dance around. There is something about being "grown-up" that makes a person feel like they have to hold themself back from doing things that are too silly or over the top. Why did I ever have to grow up?

Singing out now...."I lay my head back down....and I lift my hands and pray to be only yours...your my only hope!" I can feel myself wanting to leap out of this chair and spin myself around on my carpet in front of my mirror - but no, what if Daron or my kids walk in. No, I can't! They'd surely think I have lost my mind. Oh, who cares.... (yep, I'm dancing and singing...) Who cares if things are shaking on my body that didn't used to. Who cares if I look like a moron! Smiles!!

God wants my heart to be like a child. He wants me to feel free to be happy and joyful like a child. I believe He wants me to let myself go and just....be.

Lord will I ever be able to have the childlike faith and joy again? It is there. Somehow music brings it out in me. Help me to dance....help me to feel free in you to just be all that you made me to be. I want to worship you completely, no holding back! Uh, oh. I'm headed on a Mother/Daughter trip tomorrow for the weekend and I've just had this revelation tonight. Watch out Kaitlyn, Melanie and Rebecca - I'm feeling a little freer today.

Election Day - Prayer for America

What is going on Lord? R U Still There? Of course you are! America, America - what are we thinking!! Those of you who have the right to vote - let's get out and vote. Today is the big day for the Presidential election. McCain or Obama?! The final results are coming in. Whatever may happen, I've made peace in my heart that the Lord will continue to prevail and His will, will be done. It could be tough, but I'm trusting in Him alone.

Each of my children took part in voting in their schools mock election. I have one child in elementary school, one child in middle school and one in high school. It has been neat to listen to my children's opinions on this election. I'm for certain that they've heard mom and dad talking about Senator McCain and Senator Obama and have most likely made their final voting decisions at school based on what we as parents have developed in them. It is my assumption that this is truly why schools get together to hold the mock elections; so that they have some sort of idea of what direction the votes will go ahead of time.

When voters choose a candidate, is there usually one main reason why they vote for who they vote for or is there usually an accumulation of reasons? Does America tend to vote for the President thinking of his Vice President as a package or simply for the President? For me, there are several reasons I've chosen to vote for McCain and yes, I have considered McCain and his whole package - Sarah Palin. While I've certainly got one crucial thought in my mind that touches my heart the most keeping Obama from my support, I've got several others. The crucial tug in my heart is the fact that Obama has not stood boldly to fight against abortion and the rights of unborn children and those children who have had botched abortions. I must express that I've got some serious opinions on this issue and feel that I can not in my right mind support Senator Obama mostly for this very reason.

Lord, I pray that whatever happens tonight and in the early morning with regards to this election that America will stand together. I'm not certain that this prayer can happen as it could very much be part of what is to come for our country to bring us to our knees towards you. I pray for peace regardless of what happens. I pray for brothers and sisters in Christ to stand boldly together. I pray for those who love you to show their love to others with kindness and consideration, encouragement and prayer. I pray for our country to throw away all ideas of racism - this includes negativity from African Americans towards white Americans which seems to be more typical and likely in my opinion these days. I pray fully against the sort of racism that has continued to try and seperate blacks and whites...may we love on one another and care for one another as unto the Lord. I pray especially for my city, Collierville, TN and the surrounding Memphis area - I pray that our city will come together. Thank you that we live in an area sometimes called, "The Bible Belt" - may we live up to this name showing honor and glory for your names sake.

Upcoming Mother and Daughter Conference

(I apologize for the pics being spread all over the place as I've messed with the placement of these until I am blue in the face tonight! I can't get them to look as orderly as I want with the html program and the various size pics.)




Memories... Wow, Kaitlyn has really grown up. It has been so neat to see her transform from a baby girl, to a little girl, into the school ages, pre-teen and now teen. She is such a beautiful young woman and I'm very proud of her!

This coming weekend my daughter, Kaitlyn and I will be headed to Lexington, KY to the Mother/Daughter Conference with Vickey Courtney. We are going with Kaitlyn's best friend Rebecca and My Dear Friend, Rebecca's Mother, Melanie. We are all looking forward to this trip together. Tonight we all got together to have dinner and finalize our plans for this Friday. We all always have such a wonderful time together every time we are together, so I just know that we will have an amazing experience this weekend.

Ya know, raising teenage girls is hard. Raising children/teenagers regardless of the sex can be so difficult. I'm very interested in knowing what kinds of tools, tips and advice that Vickey Courney will have for us at this "You and Your Girl" Conference. I am praying that Melanie and Rebecca and Kaitlyn and I will all have a a good time under the Lord and really, really bond and make some neat memories. I'm praying that we can each open our hearts to one another and speak in truth and love to one another. I pray that we will have safe travel to and from the conference and around Lexington, KY.

So many times in this world I hear of mother's and daughter's who are literally at each other's throats regarding certain issues in life. I want to take a proactive approach to making my relationship as mother with Kaitlyn to be all that God would want for it to be. I don't always have the best solutions for life's problems, but He does. If I can learn to totally surrender my all to Him then I know that my daughter will see. If I can mess up (ha, if I can, well, I already have messed up lots) and let her know that I am forgiven and that God still has made a place for me then she will know that she can always turn to God no matter what. Lord, I just pray for my weekend with my daughter to be very, very special.

The 5K Race Results

Our 5k Race for Education today went well. While I flew past so many of the "slower" people, ha, I still did not beat my last runs time. It was so hot out! As I ran and felt myself getting hotter and hotter and my pulse beating harder and louder inside my head giving me a headache, i feared that I was about to internally combust - catch on fire! As I ran towards the end of the first mile and headed towards the first station that was going to pass out water - I felt my first burst of energy. Unfortunately there was no water left by the time I got to the station. I pressed to run ahead. As I ran I had to leap over tons of paper cups that were thrown on the ground. I could tell the people who got lucky and recieved a little bit of water had not actually drank all the water in their cups because there were splashes of water all over the pavement. The sun was hot today. I think it was aroudn 75 degrees out there. I had two shirts on. I wanted to sport my Race for Education Lime Green shirt like the rest of the races so I had to put it ontop of the shirt I came in.

Racing towards the 2nd mile, I passed Matthew first who had already turned and passed me. Then I past Kaitlyn and finally saw Daron. Daron looked exhausted!! He wanted to not have to walk at all during this race. A couple of times he says he walked but if he says he was running or jogging when I saw him....well...he was tippy toeing...dragging.... Ha! It was a tough race for us! Somehow I missed Mitchell in the crowd all together. I pressed on to run as I yelled out some encouragement to each of my family members as they passed me by. In my mind, I was running so fast. I passed by so many people. I imagined myself running in one of my daughter's cross country races and would think to myself the same thing I would often yell out to her, "Pick them off, one at a time!" I just know I was running hard. I only stopped to walk about 3 or 4 times and when I did, I did not really walk. I walked fast...very fast! Ha.

Somehow, I still came in last out of my own family. I didn't beat my last 5k race at all. Actually I didn't do so well. "What!! How can that be?!" I didn't really understand how come my time was not better because I knew in my mind that I had pressed myself really a lot. By the time I made it to the finish line, Daron had already been waiting about 10 minutes for me. Kaitlyn, Matthew and Mitchell were already waiting too. Matthew came in 2nd place in his age group. The majority of racers were probably Kaitlyn and Mitchell's age. They had a tough race to try and win with all those kids. Kaitlyn ended up coming in like 23nd in her age group out of about 83 kids. Mitchell came in towards the middle to end of his age group, maybe 73rd in 104, I think I remember. Daron was 15th out of 22 men his age. And me, I was 23 out of the 23 women in my age group! Ack!!! How embarrassing. I've got some work to do in order to beat those ladies. But, Matt was 2nd! He recieved a medal and was very happy.

In addition, at the race there were several drawings. If our number got called out we would win that prize. So many numbers were being called out and our family was getting discouraged. Finally we heard Daron's number announced! Yay! Ha, but he won a huge timer. (See the pic above!) Just after saying he never won anything in drawings, he won the timer! Ha, Ha! It was funny.

After Daron won the timer, Matt got a $30 gift certificate for passes at Malco Theatre's and I won a $25 gift certificate for a steak dinner at Mr. B's in East Memphis.

The Koch's are exhausted tonight. We enjoyed dinner and ice cream after the race. Tonight and today has been a great family day. We really needed this time together. Thank you God for allowing us to have this day. There were lots of laughs and lots of connecting between all of us. It's just been a neat day.

Exercise that Counts - 5K Racing

Our family has gotten on this 5k race kick. Together we have pumped ourselves up to particpate in 5k races more frequently. As the end of the year approaches, there are more and more races going on for us to choose to participate in. My 14 year old daughter, Kaitlyn, probably our best and most consistent runner, has now run in about 8 to 10 races. Several of the 5k's that she has participated in have been with her High School Cross Country team.

As a family, we've only done one race thus far together. Today, when we race for education, it will be our second race as a whole family. My daughter and I did do the Chick-Fil-a race together in 2007...I think that is what first sparked my daughter's interest in running more. After our families Race for Hopes and Dream benefiting The Exchange Club Family Center helping those children in abuse situations, our family wants to race more!

The excitement from todays Race for Education in our family has produced some talk of our family trying to do at least one race each month that would benefit some sort of cause we all feel would be worthy. There is an upcoming race called Give a Child a Chance in Cordova, TN on 11/22 that we are considering. This one will support children who are orphaned, abandoned, and impoverished around the world. There is an interesting Jingle Bell Run 11/29 helping to raise money for the Arhrites Foundation or something of that nature. It would be so neat to be a part of a race during the holidays that supports a good cause in our community. What a neat idea to tie jingle bells to your shoe laces and arms...wow, what a sound that might be! One additional race that I think our family might strive to be a part of is the upcoming big St. Jude 5k on 12/6/2008. Our children seem to be involved in helping the St. Jude children with various events in their schools. This would be a race that the kids would very much understand what they are racing for.

There is something about being a part of these races that seems unique and somehow makes a neat impact on our hearts. As a parent, seeing your child push their body physically, enduring what it takes to press forward and finish a race is an awesome and rewarding feeling. Seeing the kids step up for the cause and actually enjoy doing so is something indescribable. Watching each family member clap with encouragement and excitement for another family as they race member makes me tear up everytime. The uniqueness of the various races make exercising and doing something in love for another family fun and memorable. It somehow draws our hearts and prayer life nearer to those who are hurting in ways we don't always think about. Having our family race together gives me the chills inside; it is just an amazing experience.

It's Hard to Lose

How much can I squeeze into one day? It seems most of my blogs are about business. I suppose that is because I'm always so busy. It is a good thing though. Because if I wasn't busy then I'd be talking about being bored. Boredom isn't good for me. I typically sit around the house after "ALL" is done and allow my mind to begin to challenge my sanity.

I feel blessed today. Would I feel blessed if my day wasn't a good day? Maybe. Today was a day filled with challenges and some tough things. My youngest son played in his final football game of the year; He played in the Sugar Bowl and was sadly defeated. The game was emotional. A bit too emotional for me. I never used to understand why guys got all teary eyed and upset over games. But, now that I've gotten into baseball and football and other sports with my kids playing, I get a little teary eyed too. It is so, so tough to watch your children push and push themselves to win a game and lose. The defeat can be overwhelming for the parent sometimes. I understand though the value in losing sometimes. But it is never fun.

My daughter tried out for Allwest this AM while fighting some tough congestion. Last night was Halloween and before bed her voice practically disappeared. She drank some hot mint tea this morning and pressed forward to the tryouts. Unfortunately at the tryouts she tried to sing and the congestion took over. Kait was so frustrated. She made Allwest the previous year and had typically had success when she tried out for things that involved singing. The list of those who made the choir was out tonight and her name was not on the list. Awe.... Kait cried several times today. My eyes have teared up for her too. It's just so hard to watch your children hurt over a loss.

I know the Lord was with us today. After we had our tough morning with Matt's game and Kaits tryouts - we set out for my sweet, sweet friend, Erica's baby shower! The shower was a great success. When I say success, I mean so many friends of hers pulled together to encourage and be with her. It was so neat to be around friends and to see just how much people can love on other people. It is neat to see how people will come together to help another person like this. This must be how God wants us to pull together and love one another. It was just a neat time and I am very thankful to have been a part of it. With all the baby stuff at the shower, I myself, am now getting more excited for baby Ethan's arrival.

Overall, today, I just feel like a winner. I feel blessed and recognize that I have the best children, husband and friends. I'm very fortunate - even if I sometimes lose. Can you lose and still win? It must be a God thing.