I Won't Let Myself Get Caught Up in the Worry

There is a portion of my brain that keeps interjecting questions. "What are you doing?! Are you sure?!" My trip to Indonesia is getting very close. In just under 3 days I'll be leaving my children, my husband and my whole life as I know it. I'll fly for 37 plus hours over the deep blue seas towards an island that I had never heard of until about 3 months ago. I'll be gone for two weeks. This will be the longest I've ever been away from my family alone. It will also be the farthest distance I've ever parted from them.

If I allow my human mind to think about all that I'm leaving behind, I could work up a good tear. Thinking about my children makes me the most teary eyed. Most of all, I don't want them to hurt and need me. I want them to be safe and happy here. I think that is probably what I worry about the most.

Sometimes I think about my husband. Will he get too stressed out trying to do everything with the kids while I'm gone? Will he get agitated with everything? I wonder if he will behave or go wildly crazy. I'm hoping he feeds my kids and himself some sort of wholesome nutrition. I'm praying that he grows closer to God and the children during this time. I actually hope he misses me at least a little bit. I'm looking forward to reuniting with him as my partner.

I could sit around and worry myself into a panic attack regarding my upcoming travel. What will my family do without "mom"? I'll bet they will learn to manage. Heck, they might even party a little. I don't think I am that indespensable. I'm choosing to step out in my faith walk towards God in this. I'll have to put a wall up against all the normal "worry" and not allow my brain to sink down the "worry" road. I want to stand firm under Gods lead and just step out in a direction unknown but for a kingdom kind of cause, to love on His people in need.

Over the past several years, my husband and I have been trying to share with our children how so many other children and people are in such a greater need than we are. It is next to impossible for most American people to understand what truly being in "need" feels like. While I don't really want my children to ever have to "need" something and not be able to get it, it is quite possible I should allow them the chance to "need" things in their life. My accepting to go on this trip is multi-faceted, but perhaps the most important reason I said, "yes" I'll go was actually for my children. I want them to see me step out and "go" and help others who are in desperate situations. I want my children to see me "act on" helping others and not just "talk" about it. I pray that they too will be deeply encouraged to love and help others in need.

And so, I'm stepping out. It is scary today. But I'm not going to allow myself to get caught up in the worry with it all. I'm desperate to be obedient and faithful. I'm desperate to get to a place where I can completely shut out what I know of as true and follow Him and hear Him better. Only He knows what is to come. Only He knows my heart. I'm learning to trust Him every day. Am I worried at all? Yes! Of course I am, but I won't let myself get caught up in the worry. God is helping me with this. I know He is. But, wow, I'll miss my kids. I'll miss them terribly. I'll miss my husband, family and friends. No worries here...